Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Sometimes I hate being a girl. Sometimes I hate being a sister. Mostly I think I hate being a sap.

I've never had a great relationship with my brother closest to my age. We've always fought, clashed about just about everything. Lately though I've really felt like I need to build a relationship with him. I don't want to be the kind of siblings who don't speak to each other. I see the way my dad is so rotten to his older sister and really doesn't want anything to do with her. I don't want to be that way. I want to be able to be friends with my brother.

Fighting all the time we hurt each others feelings plenty of times I'm sure.... but I don't ever remember it hurting like tonight, and it shouldn't have even been a big deal. I had asked him this afternoon if he wanted to go to a basketball game with me tonight, he said he would. I got off from work early so that we could go and be back in time for his hockey game. When I got home he wasn't ready and told me that he wasn't going. He had to do something with his girlfriend instead. That was irritating enough, but that wasn't the end of the story. I didn't go the game because I didn't care about the game... it was just a way to spend time with Matthew. So I sat home all night and what did Matthew do? He spent the whole night on the computer. Not only did he not go out with his girlfriend but he didn't even go to his hockey game. And he spent the whole night in the other room, just the two of us in the house and didn't say a word to me.

Am I really that awful of a person? Am I really a bad sister? Does he not want to be seen with me? Am I so uncool that he doesn't want anything to do with me? I just don't get it. I know he's a 20 yr old boy and spending time with his sister is far down on his priority list... but does it really have to be that way? I know I should just suck it up and deal with it... but he really did hurt my feelings, and I'm enough of a girl that it still bothers me. I try all the time to get him to spend time with me, or even just talk to me... nothing works... any boys close to his age have any insight for me? What am I doing wrong? What SHOULD I be doing? Will he EVER want to be friends with his sister?