Connections

Pictures!

2007-04-14T13:52:00.000-04:00

I've been asked a lot for pictures of the boy... well, I don't have pictures of the boy just yet, but if you go to my facebook or myspace you can see pictures of his beautiful girls!

Are You Kidding?!?!?!?!

2007-01-06T15:49:00.000-05:00

This isn't a real post, just a quick burst of frustration, so bear with me.

I knew when I moved here that I would experience less than typical winter weather. I know that Maryland is not Vermont. However, this is a little much. It is January right? Not May, not September? This afternoon it was 73 degrees at my house, and at the same time in Beverly Hills it was only 62... something is wrong with that picture. VERY wrong!

I love winter, for a little while anyway... why won't it come see me here?

No More Excuses...

2006-12-29T17:55:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to go home... really I am. For the first time in six years my flight has been delayed and I am stuck in the airport, just waiting... someday I'll get to leave, and someday I'll get back to my car in DC... what a long day. However, since I'm sitting here I might as well do something productive right?

So, what's new since my last blog? What isn't new?

I did quit my job, which I really am happy about. I started subbing at the schools in the district, that's been fun... but not altogether stable. Things are going well at the church. There are always ups and downs, but altogether I love my kids and the rest of the congregation too. Tomorrow we have a big winter formal, we're not ready yet, and where am I? In the airport...
At the end of October I took in a stray... a girl from my church who needed a place to stay for a bit. A bit has turned into two months and counting. It's going alright though. It's hard to say if I'll be glad to have my space back when she goes or if I'll just be lonely.

Oh, and the most recent news: I'll start a full time job at Colonel Richardson Middle School on Tuesday. Pray for me. It's a rough school, I'll be rather out of my element. As a white girl I'll definitely be in the minority. It's going to be an adventure for sure.

So, here's to seeing what 2007 holds!

*I wrote this post on 12/29... but was interrupted by a boarding call... I didn't get back online to publish it til 1/4!

Quick Question...

2006-10-03T12:11:00.000-04:00

Just out of curiosity... who all is going to the Brown/Gomez wedding this weekend?

Possum Promises

2006-09-18T11:22:00.000-04:00

I love that my God has a sense of humor.

Possums are funny creatures, some say they are cute, some find them rather ugly. To me, they're a funny reminder from my God.

A few months ago I was complaining to someone that I had never seen a possum alive. It seemed that I saw dead possums in the middle of the road all the time, but never a live one. We happened to be at a small group bible study when this conversation took place. Jokingly we prayed that I would see a possum. Wouldn't you know that on the way home I saw not one, but two possums. Little blessings :)

Fast forward to last week. The Lord rewarded a rough week and a crummy day with a possum crossing the road. It was all I needed to remember that God cares about the little things as much as the big things, that my rough week was only that, and that it mattered to God.

All that to say: "Thank you Jesus for possums" :)

Life As A House

2006-08-30T14:16:00.000-04:00

In my new house I have a gi-normous tv... we're talking like 42" or bigger... it's really huge. However, with this ginormous tv I have no reception. I can't get cable, I don't have satellite, and I don't have an antenna. I live alone and in the middle of nowhere... I need noise. So this means that I watch a lot of movies. That's fine with me, I love movies.

The other night I watched a movie I bought after only seeing a very brief clip. I had never heard of it, but it was a great investment. I don't usually do that, but this time I'm glad I did.

If you've never seen Life As A House I recommend you go watch it now... or maybe tonight... really soon anyway.

I've tried three times now to write a synopsis of the movie, a review or something of the sort, and every time it comes vastly short of communicating the greatness of this movie. It is a beautiful picture of the relationship between a father and a son and the growth that happens as they build a house together. I especially recommend it for anyone who works with teens.. but really it's just good for anyone.

I will forewarn you that there is fair amount of language and some very adult subject matter, but almost all of it is essential to the story line and appropriate to the situations.

Again... go watch this movie!

Enough Already

2006-08-24T15:31:00.000-04:00

I've decided that I've had enough already. Enough of summer that is.

I'm ready for fall to start. The kids are going back to school, that should mean that it is fall, not that it is 85-90 out (yes, that's what the weather's been like here). I'm ready for sweaters and crunchy leaves. I'm ready for bright blue skies and crisp cool days. I'm ready for pumpkin pie, cinnamon buns, candy corn, and apple cider. I want reds, yellows, oranges, and browns to be the colors of everything in my house.

I am ready for fall!

Mostly I think I love the smell of fall. There are so many great smells that are a part of fall. (Do you agree Rob?) Hurry up fall!

What's your favorite part of fall?

I'm sure I have to work, but are we sure I have to work HERE?

2006-08-09T23:20:00.000-04:00

i love my job.

ok, i love one of my jobs. as of june i am the associate pastor of youth and communications (a really long title for a job that you're only supposed to work at 15 hrs a week...) at the denton nazarene church. that's the job i love. take note of my last post... they pay me to do this???

the job i don't love so much is the job that i actually need. i mean, i need the paycheck, i need the benefits. i don't love the hours. i don't love the lack of flexibility that means that i can't do all the things that i want to do with the job that i do love. i don't love that my only week of vacation is now gone because i went to teen camp. i don't love the tension that is always brewing. i don't love working late every friday night.

i know i have to have another job. part - time youth pastors frankly aren't the mostly highly compensated folks out there. i don't mind having another job. but i would really like one that works better with the job i do like. it would make me a much nicer person. i promise. :)

so for a while now i've wanting to go back to what i was doing when i first came here - full time substituting. it would mean flexible days and hours. it would mean all day with kids again. it would be a paycheck not much different than the one i bring home now. it would mean no pay when i don't work - either my choice or vacation. it would mean no insurance.

so, do the pros outweigh the cons? can i responsibly make the choice i want to make? school starts soon... do i start with it, or stick with the reliable job that stresses me out?

just for josh

2006-08-08T19:03:00.000-04:00

this is just for josh.
he gave me grief yesterday for not updating my blog, he convicted me. he said "you don't have anything to say?" certainly I have things to say... has anyone ever known me to not have anything to say? I always have things to say... sometimes I just doubt that anyone else would want to hear all of the things that I have to say. the other problem is that I have so many things to say that I don't know what to say, so many things fighting to get out, I don't know which will win.

but before I say anything profound...

I'm at teen camp.
we have high speed wireless.
I'm blogging.
what kind of parallel universe am I in?

For All You Baseball Fans Out There

2006-04-05T10:57:00.000-04:00

I wouldn't consider myself a big sports fan. No one who has met me would say that I'm a sports fanatic. However, I do love a good baseball game... in fact I love anything that has to do with the Yankees - I was raised right, what can I say?

Every good Yankee fan, every child of a Yankee fan is raised to hate the Red Sox. Every good Red Sox fan, every child of a Red Sox fan, is raised to hate the Yankees. I'm a mix breed. I am the product of two totally devoted fan families, only they are devoted to two different teams. What's a kid to do? The best thing in life is when you find things that combine them both.

This article made me laugh out loud. To the point that my co-workers were looking at me funny. If you love baseball, you'll love it too. Or at least you should.

Ick

2006-03-29T14:42:00.000-05:00

I'm having one of those days where I'm feeling a big cry coming on. I hate those days. There is no good reason for it, but I can just feel it in my head. Does anyone else get those pre-big cry feelings? Any suggestions on how to head it off? Or should I embrace the big cry because I likely need it? Hmm... to cry or not to cry...

Imagination

2006-03-21T14:39:00.000-05:00

Have you ever heard the song God Has a Wild Imagination? It's totally cheesy and from forever ago... I used to roller skate to it in high school. But the words are pretty accurate, I'd say that God has a pretty wild imagination, have you ever looked at a platypus? Anyway...

In revival this week I was reminded that God wants to put our imaginations to the test:

Ephesians 3:20-21
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen"

Now, I think I have a pretty good imagination. I spent most of my childhood playing make believe. My best friend and I invented our own universe for goodness sake, I don't think anyone used their imaginations more than we did. But yet God says to us "try me, I'll show you... I'll do you one better".

The speaker of the evening told us of having sit down imaginations with God - times where she sat down with her journal and simply imagined with God about the things that they could do together. For her it was reaching a million souls for him, teaching in four different continents, ministering to the leaders of our faith. She made me think, do I ever imagine with God? Do I accept his invitation to put my imagination to the test? If I let my imagination take over what could God and I do together?

I took some time the other day to imagine with God. I wrote down all that thought about. I can't wait to see how God works. Do you imagine with God? What do you imagine?

Out of the Ordinary

2006-03-21T14:32:00.000-05:00

I love living on the eastern shore, some things about it are wonderful... however, today illustrates one of those things that drive me crazy.

Friday the 10th it was 86 degrees here. Today it is 35 and snowing. How much sense does that make???? Was I thankful for the warm weather? You better believe it. I was rejoicing in my shorts and tank top. However, I think I'd like a little more consistency than that. At least up north you know it's going to be cold until May, none of this tease of warm weather. With any luck we should be back up to 60 in a week... but you just never know. What I do know is that I'm sick of being cold, I didn't move south to be cold!

Another Question

2006-03-13T13:01:00.000-05:00

Two posts in a matter of minutes... can you believe it? The shock of the century I must say.

Okay, here's the question. My district has just started a 40 day prayer and fasting campaign. Fasting is supposed to be a personal, private thing, right? Not something you talk about. All that stuff in Matthew about pagans, yeah... I don't want to do that. So how do I respond when my co-workers ask what I had for lunch, etc? I have a pretty curious bunch of co-workers... especiallly where food is concerned. In fact we often eat lunch together. I want to avoid discussion that's going to make me appear to have a "holier than thou" attitude, but I also recognize that it might be an opportunity to have a spiritual conversation.

Any suggestions?

the LOVE message

2006-03-13T11:34:00.000-05:00

Jeremiah wants to know how the sermon went, so I'll give you my best summation... but really, I hate doing things like that. Self evaluation is not really my strong suit... I always tell people to ask someone who was there.

But anyway... I think it went pretty well. I think I went a little longer than I expected, but with the congregational involvement that I had that took up some extra time. Speaking of congregational involvement, I think that was the highlight for me. I had five men come up and read scripture passages about the love of God to their wives. No one knew that it was scripture though. That sounds funny, but it worked really well. And the last guy who read broke down and cried when he was reading to his wife. It was so touching. He said "After 40 years I don't need any paper to tell me what to say to my wife to tell her how much I love her." and then he read what I had written out for him anyway. it may sound a little cheesy on paper, but really it was just so touching. Every girl in the place was swooning, wishing that was HER husband up there.

Another highlight: A woman of around 70-75 came up to me after the service and said to me "When I came here this morning I said to my husband - I don't like woman preachers. But you did a great job. I was raised to think that that was something women just didn't do. But I was really proud of you and I really enjoyed it. Thanks for changing my mind." Yeah, I felt good. Hopefully it wasn't just my charm though ;) I hope there was a little God message behind it too :)

A Bit of a Request

2006-02-21T22:39:00.000-05:00

I know it's been too long since I've posted to do this, but because you all love me, I'm going to do it anyway.

I am preaching this Sunday at my church and I am very much looking forward to it. However, I won't look forward to it if I don't get it done in time! I'm having a bit of writers block and while I am in the midst of writing three sermons, none of them are coming very fast.

Here's where you come in. One of the sermons focuses on God's love for us, and the romance of a relationship with Christ. I'd like to share some scriptures that really showcase that love. Does anyone have a favorite love line from the Lord? What do you think are some of the most romantic lines in our love letter?

Apparently I'm Wearing A Sign

2005-12-20T11:00:00.000-05:00

*I actually wrote this post on Friday night, but this is the first time I've been near an internet connection *

A great big, neon flashing sign. One that says “Crazy Men Accepted Here”, or something to that effect. Not being a weird and/or crazy man myself, I can’t actually see it, only its effects.

I have been in possession of said sign for quite some time, since high school definitely, maybe even longer. However, it seems to have gained some brilliance and attraction over the last four months that I’ve been in Delaware. You see, since I’ve been here across my path have wandered some of the most interesting characters. First there was Greg* from Florida (aka the wedding guy or the drunk guy), he’s the real reason for this post, but more about him in a bit. Then, only days later, there was Josh, the random phone call boy, and after that blind date mustache Jason. More recently we have seen Convict Rob and Wayne Gaspipe** and his friend Bubs***. That’s not to mention all the characters you meet teaching middle and high school… All of these guys have great stories attached to them, ask sometime and I’ll tell you all about them, but right now we need to focus on Greg.

It’s 11 o’clock on the first night I’ve had off in who knows when, I’m laying on the couch, half asleep and my phone rings… who calls at this hour??? Only Greg… driving under the influence none the less. To whine about a work Christmas party, to tell me that I have the sweetest voice he’s ever heard, and to ask if he can come to visit for the weekend sometime. We talked for about an hour… well, mostly I listened and he talked. The guy is practically a stranger, I served him beer all afternoon at a wedding in August, that’s all. But yet, I’m the person he NEEDS to talk to in the middle of the night when he’s been in a fight, or the middle of the afternoon when his dog runs away. I swear he gets creepier every time I talk to him. Had he been this creepy the first time I talked to him, it would have been the last time.

I just don’t get it. What I want to know is how do I end up in situations like this??? I mean, how is it that all the weird guys in the world end up flocking to me and I can’t find one decent guy who loves Jesus, ice cream, and a nice girl like me? Could it be that I’m too nice, that no one else will talk to them so they keep talking to me? If that’s the case, I need to work on being more rude or something.

Any insight or help on how to remove my neon sign would be much appreciated.

* didn’t even bother to change his name because he doesn’t even own a computer
** name changed to protect the innocent
*** actual name left to laugh at the innocent :)

I'm such a freakin' girl!

2005-12-15T10:25:00.000-05:00

I think all of you girls can sympathize with this... and if you can't, well, I don't like you today :)

I normally consider myself a pretty together girl, even keeled, not given to fits of girliness or over-emotion. In fact, girls who are like that irritate me. However, on occasion I do just the things that irritate me the most.

I just spent a good 5-10 minutes with tears streaming down my face... a pretty good cry... for a SONG ON THE RADIO!!! You may have heard the song before, and if not, get to it, you'll probably cry but it will be worth it. I tell you what, it's about the most touching, tear-jerking thing you ever heard. The song is "I'm Already There" by Lonestar, but it's the Message From Home remix. If you don't know the song, take a look at the lyrics and then use a little imagination... throw in a little girls voice telling her daddy that he's her hero, then a woman's voice saying "he was in my dream last night and I was so excited to roll over and tell him about it, until I remembered that he wasn't there", as many "I love you"s and "I miss you"s and "come home safe"s as you can imagine and you'll have some idea what the thing sounds like.

I'm Already There - Lonestar

He called her on the road
From a lonely cold hotel room.
Just to hear her say I love you one more time
And when he heard the sound
Of the kids laughing in the background
He had to wipe away a tear from his eye.
A little voice came on the phone
She said, Daddy, when you coming home?
He said the first thing that came to his mind.

Chorus
I'm already there,
Take a look around.
I'm the sunshine in your hair,
I'm the shadow on the ground.
I'm the whisper in the wind,
I'm your imaginary friend.
And I know I'm in your prayers,
Oh, I'm already there.

2nd Verse
She got back on the phone
Said, I really miss you darlin’.
Don't worry about the kids, they'll be all right.
Wish I was in your arms,
Lyin’ right there beside you.
But I know that I’ll be in your dreams tonight.
And I’ll gently kiss your lips,
Touch you with my fingertips.
So turn out the light and close your eyes.

Chorus
I'm already there,
Don't make a sound.
I'm the beat in your heart,
I'm the moonlight shining down,
I'm the whisper in the wind,
And I’ll be there to the end.
Can you feel the love that we share?
Oh, I'm already there.

We may be a thousand miles apart,
But I’ll be with you wherever you are.

And so, a song has reduced me to a blubbering mess of a girl once again... and I say again... sometimes I hate being a girl!

From Eighth Grade Science Class

2005-11-14T09:37:00.000-05:00

I still haven't found a fabulous job here, but I do like what I'm doing alright. For right now I'm waitressing and substituting, in fact I'm subbing right now. I'm in the middle of a planning period and I just felt like blogging, there must be something wrong... ;)

Today I'm in middle school, at a school that I'm in pretty often. Most often I'm in the 6th grade however. I think it is interesting how different kids react to having a substitute and the different relationships that you build with kids. Some kids think "I'll never see her again, let's just fool around", while other kids automatically add you to their school world and expect you to be there from now on. Those are the kids I like :) It feels good to be liked, to have the kids be happy YOU'RE there, not just happy that a sub is there. Yeah for loving middle school kids!

Alright, though I'm really in the mood to blog, I'm afraid I have nothing to say, so perhaps I'll think of something during lunch.. until then I leave you with the words of the Christmas song that has been in my head for days on end

"I want a hippopotamus for Christmas, only a hippopotamus will do. No crocodiles or rhinosceroses, I only like hippopotamuses. And hippopotamuses like me too!"

Since Sarah Has a Big Mouth...

2005-09-17T21:13:00.000-04:00

Well, I guess now I have to tell about the date, since Sarah so kindly informed everyone that there was a date.

I was set up on a blind date of sorts this week, Thursday actually. I was unbelievably nervous and it took me like a week to decide on something to wear. All I knew about this boy was that his name was Jason (okay, I knew his last name too, but we don't need to share that), he's 28, he works for a mobile home place, he goes to a baptist church (gasp!), and my adopted grandparents love him. That same adorable elderly couple (ages 90 and 76) invited us both over for dinner so that we could meet.

So Jason turned out to be a pretty nice guy, but honestly there were NO sparks. There just wasn't any attraction there, at least not on my part. He just wasn't my type, not that I think I really have a type, but hey... he had a mustache and he has two small dogs he calls his children... does anyone actually think that sounds like the perfect man for me? I think I'll probably go out with him one more time, just to give it a chance, see how things are when it's just the two of us. I don't see any romance in our future, but I could definitely use a friend here.

Off the subject of the date, as far as a general update... well, I don't have much to say. Things are okay here on the Eastern Shore. It's still uncomfortably hot here, the job situation is a struggle, but the Lord is blessing anyway. I still have days I worry, but the Lord has taken care of every worry I've had, even when I have had the attitude that doesn't warrant a blessing. I've held off on letting everyone know what I was doing, hoping I'd have great news to tell people... but I never thought it would be this long.

One more random comment beore I go... I was in a department store tonight and they had an entire christmas tree village set up... it's not even fall yet... that's a LITTLE much... I love christmas and all, but really...

The Long Awaited Post

2005-07-25T23:40:00.000-04:00

Okay, here it is, all of the harassing has finally paid off. I'll finally let you all in on what's going on in my life. I don't know if I've been putting this off because telling people has been hard, or just because with all the preparation I've been SUPER busy. Either way, I can't put it off any longer.

So as of this Thursday I will no longer be a resident of Vermont, or even New England. I'm taking a step of faith and going out on my own. In April I gave myself an ultimatum, find a job by July 1st, or else. July 1st has come and gone and I have not found a job. So much to the dismay of my small group and my best girlfriend here I'm headed to Delaware this week. For those who know me well, you know that I did my internship there and it's as much home as here is. I am quite excited about settling back into my life there.

There are so many other things that are going on, both surrounding this move and other things in my life that I couldn't possibly write about them all, but I wanted to get this basic, initial email out. When I get all settled there I'll write again about the details and maybe even the whole story of the move. I will get some contact info out as soon as I can too. As of right now I'll have email of course and my cell phone for at least another week or two.

To all my friends here in Vermont, I'll miss you all terribly. I promise Kim, I'm not leaving just to spite you or leave you alone. I love you so much and I can't wait until you come visit me. You and your family will be in my prayers every day. To my Delaware/Maryland family, I'll see you soon and I love you much.

A Rather Random Blog

2005-06-02T14:21:00.000-04:00

It's funny how memories work. I'm sitting here eating an oatmeal creme pie, you know, the little debbie ones, and all I can think of is going to the fair in fourth grade. I know... I'm weird, but that's the memory that is attached to oatmeal creme pies for me. We ate them on the way there in the car. Sure, I've eaten them lots of other time in my life, but that's the memory that goes with oatmeal creme pies, always has, always will. What foods have memories attached to them for you?

Liberalism is a Mental Disorder

2005-04-26T19:30:00.000-04:00

I'm in love with conservative talk radio. But that's not really what this post is about. I was perusing (I also love that word :)) Mike Savage's website and came across this... it is easily the most disturbing thing I've seen in a while... I can't believe that people actually do this. Please, check it out, but be forewarned... you'll be amazed.

Liberalism is a mental disorder.

Girly Wonderings on Love and Broken Hearts

2005-04-24T13:15:00.000-04:00

The girl in me is showing today, maybe because I spent so much time doing girly wedding things the last few days.

Someone recently asked me if I was over my last boyfriend, after just a little thought I answered yes, I was definitely over him. However, I knew that I was still hurt and confused concerning the whole situation. That's not important though. The whole thing got me thinking about falling in love and having a broken heart. I wouldn't say that I was in love with that guy, I don't think I had time to fall in love. But I'd quite confidently say that he broke my heart.

Here's what I'm wondering, is it really possible to have a broken heart if you haven't been in love? Tell me what you think...

A Lousy Record

2005-04-09T00:45:00.000-04:00

A post a month... I guess I'm not doing as well at this as I thought I might. I really need to get into some kind of routine so it will get done. It certainly isn't that I don't have a lot on my mind... maybe it's just that I have a lot on my plate too. I just added a third job to take up more time too. I have officially ended the luxury of a day off. I'll be at school M-F, extra late on Thursday, and then at the restaurant Sat, Sun, and hopefully Tuesday. This Sunday will be my first day back to waitressing after a long hiatus. I'm actually looking forward to it, am I crazy or what?

Speaking of jobs, I should give a little update on the job front. I went last weekend for what I thought was a job interview, but turned out to be more of a job audition. The job is doing exactly what I want to do, the kind of ministry that I feel the Lord is calling me to, but still I don't feel 100% certain about it. I guess it's just a big decision. I mean, I don't have a lot of time off now, but I do still feel like I have a life of my own and that my time belongs to me. This would not be the case if I take this job. It's not just taking a job, it's a whole lifestyle choice. I'd go from being a carefree single girl to being a parent of 10 teenage girls. I loved being with the girls, but I'm not sure if I'm willing to give up all of that freedom just yet. Of course, there probably isn't a better time in my life to have a job like this. I have a few weeks before I really have to worry about it though. I won't hear if I've even been offered the job for a few weeks. I just pray that the Lord gives me clear direction, if this isn't where I belong then He'll let me know.

Hey, I'm considering spending some time in New Brunswick the week after next... I'd love to get together with as many people as I can. If you'll be around and up for some company please let me know!

So Mad I Could Spit!

2005-03-01T22:05:00.000-05:00

It seems that I only blog when I'm irritated about something, but hey... what can you do? One of these days I'll have a happy blog :)

Almost three weeks ago my new car broke down, over 500 miles from home. I had purchased the car only three weeks before so it was still covered under it's warranty so I wasn't too concerned about it. It made for a stressful vacation working out the details and finding a way home, but I was confident that the dealer I had bought it from would take care of it. I bought the car from them because of their great service reputation.

I will finally go to pick my car up tomorrow, weather permitting. I've spent my entire vacation waiting around for my car to be fixed, throwing all of my vacation plans to the side while I tried to be patient. I really have tried to be patient, through all of this ridiculous situation, but today was the last straw, I just about lost it.

The dealer called me today to tell me that the car was ready and I could have it just as soon as I paid a $99 deductible. What happened to my bumper to bumper warranty I wanted to know? What happened to being straightforward and upfront with your customers? Since when can you charge someone for a service that they have not authorized? When I gave them the go ahead to pick the car up and fix it it was with their assurance and my understanding that I wouldn't have to pay for any of it. Now they tell me that I have to pay the $99 deductible that is clearly spelled out on the 1 year warranty but does not appear anywhere with a 30 day bumper to bumper warranty.

I am so angry! I feel like I've been lied to, taken advantage of, and deceived. I may be a single young girl, but that doesn't mean that I can be walked all over. I want to stand up for myself, and I did on the phone, but really it didn't make a difference. Tomorrow I have to go to the dealership, return my rental car and pick up my car. I want to scream and yell and be mean and demand my way. I know that won't be effective, but I don't know what will be. As a Christian am I stepping out of line to insist upon being treated fairly and standing up for what I feel I am entitled to? I can't wait to have my pretty new car back (pictures as soon as I get back), but I am NOT going to pay a fee that I was never informed of, that I should NOT have to pay. I sure hope this works out...

2005-02-02T00:34:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I hate being a girl. Sometimes I hate being a sister. Mostly I think I hate being a sap.

I've never had a great relationship with my brother closest to my age. We've always fought, clashed about just about everything. Lately though I've really felt like I need to build a relationship with him. I don't want to be the kind of siblings who don't speak to each other. I see the way my dad is so rotten to his older sister and really doesn't want anything to do with her. I don't want to be that way. I want to be able to be friends with my brother.

Fighting all the time we hurt each others feelings plenty of times I'm sure.... but I don't ever remember it hurting like tonight, and it shouldn't have even been a big deal. I had asked him this afternoon if he wanted to go to a basketball game with me tonight, he said he would. I got off from work early so that we could go and be back in time for his hockey game. When I got home he wasn't ready and told me that he wasn't going. He had to do something with his girlfriend instead. That was irritating enough, but that wasn't the end of the story. I didn't go the game because I didn't care about the game... it was just a way to spend time with Matthew. So I sat home all night and what did Matthew do? He spent the whole night on the computer. Not only did he not go out with his girlfriend but he didn't even go to his hockey game. And he spent the whole night in the other room, just the two of us in the house and didn't say a word to me.

Am I really that awful of a person? Am I really a bad sister? Does he not want to be seen with me? Am I so uncool that he doesn't want anything to do with me? I just don't get it. I know he's a 20 yr old boy and spending time with his sister is far down on his priority list... but does it really have to be that way? I know I should just suck it up and deal with it... but he really did hurt my feelings, and I'm enough of a girl that it still bothers me. I try all the time to get him to spend time with me, or even just talk to me... nothing works... any boys close to his age have any insight for me? What am I doing wrong? What SHOULD I be doing? Will he EVER want to be friends with his sister?

2005-01-27T01:02:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking, and I think I want to try something a little different here. If you know me well you know that I love quotes... I have hundreds of them tucked away. I'd love to share some of my favorites. Shannon does a "thought of the day", I suppose his are mostly his own thoughts... I guess I'm not that creative. We'll see how well I can keep up... if my ambitions are bigger than my drive.

Anyway, tonight was my small group night and we have just started a book called Relationships by Les and Leslie Parrott. The book is great so far. The first chapter started with this thought... I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.

"If we try to find intimacy with another person before achieving a sense of identity on our own, all of our relationships become an attempt to complete ourselves."

A job is just a job... until it feels like this

2005-01-25T21:30:00.000-05:00

Do you ever come home from work just thinking "I'm not cut out for this" or "I can't do this anymore"? That's how I felt leaving the building today. I haven't felt that way in awhile. Things have just gotten overwhelming. I have jumped into a deeper kettle of fish than I ever could have imagined.

Some of you know that I started work at the elementary school the first week of January only to have my student transfer schools after my first week there. I then spent a week kind of floating, and now I have started working with the first grade boy that I worked with for September and October.

I was excited about having the opportunity to work in this situation with this boy again because I had a good relationship with him, his class, and his teacher. It feels good to be wanted and loved, and that's just how his class makes me feel.

Sounds all hunky dory eh? Wondering where the despondency comes in? Well, now we have to look at the reason I was called back in to work with my boy. You see, he's an explosive child, and these last few weeks have been his worst yet. Not only has he been physically agressive (hitting, biting, kicking) with his classmates, but last Friday he punched the teacher in the nose - HARD. Talk about unsafe behavior! So this week he's spent his days in the quiet room with me, on in school suspension. This has meant that instead of throwing things around his classroom I get to be the sole recipient of his outbursts.

Today we had a meeting with his parents (actually grandparents), mother, teacher, guidance counselor, discipline facilitator, and Student services coordinator. I left the meeting with those feelings of inadequacy that I expressed at the beginning of the post. His mother and grandmother fought over custody issues while we discussed whether he needed a psychiatric or psychological evaluation more. The boy is in serious trouble. Something is going on there. The whole thing just makes me sad. Sad and worried. He's only 6. If he's like this when he's 6 what is he going to be like when he's 12? 18? And this is where I come in. I'm expected to be helping the situation. I just don't know... I don't feel like I am doing anything for him... or even really that there is anything that I can do for him. I don't have a degree in special ed or behavioral science... why would they hire an unqualified person like me??? I just have to keep reminding myself that being a stable presence in his life is helping no matter what and all I can do is keep loving him.

For those of you who do know some things about education, about kids... if you have any thoughts on the situation or about explosive children, please... I could use all the help I can get!

Am I Desperate? I Wish I Was...

2005-01-16T14:22:00.000-05:00

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence, living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word, spoken to me

And I, I'm desperate for you
And I, I'm lost without you

Worship is supposed to be a time when we engage our minds as well as our hearts right? Today was one of those days for me, when my mind was most definitely engaged. We sang this song this morning and with each line, each repetition more and more thought kept racing through my head.

This is a song that most of us have sung more times than we can count. It's been around for awhile and has consistently been one of the top worship choruses out there. There have been times when it has topped my list of favorites. We all know the words, but I wonder how often we think about them? Don't get me wrong, I'm not criticizing this song at all, I think it's beautiful, but it just makes me think...

I'm wondering about desperation. I wonder how many of us really are desperate for the Lord? I think that more of us WANT to be desperate, but we aren't. We WANT to want him, but we don't, not in the desperate way that we sing about. I wonder if Marie Barnett was actually desperate, hungry, and lost when she penned these words or if she merely wanted to be in that state? Or are they just words?

So if we are in the place of WANTING to be wanting (I freely admit that's where I am) how do we move to really wanting? What clicks in us to say that we really want him, what makes us that hungry. The song compares him to our daily bread. He is supposed to be the bread of life, that's accurate, but is he really our daily bread? Do we depend on him for sustenance the way we do food? A woman I know just attempted a 40 day fast. She made it about half way before she was too ill to continue not eating solid food. Would it honestly affect us that much if we were to go on a 40 day "God fast"? I'm certainly not recommending that to anyone, just thinking. What about air? When you can't breathe you're terrified, panicked, you can think of nothing else but filling your lungs with air. Are we that desperate for the Lord? Somehow I doubt it...

LOST is one of my new favorite shows, I'm completely addicted. Jack, Charlie, Kate, Locke and the others are exerting every effort to find a way to surivive the tragedy that has befallen them. They have fallen from the sky and out of civilization. They know that they are lost, that they have no hope except to keep doing all they can. I think all Christians pretty aware of the fact the we would be lost without Christ, but would we really be lost? Would we have that same desperate resolve and panic that gripped the cast of LOST? We know we would be lost, but I wonder how lost we'd really feel...

The Lord commands all of these reactions from us... not in a verbal command, but his very being commands this kind of reaction from us. I don't think that we follow through, at least not very many of us very often. And this brings me back to the original question... how can we move beyond? How do we go from wanting to want to really wanting?

Getting Settled in Elementary School (or, fifth grade boys drive me crazy!)

2005-01-08T22:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I finished my first week as an official school employee. There were challenges for sure... moments of triumph on occasion, but definitely challenges.

High Points
- getting one of those teacher plan books... oh did I feel grown up and official :)
- explaining telling time and he really understood it... and even got excited!
- sitting next to my first grade teacher in the teachers room and actually feeling like a peer
Low Points
- hearing him say "I'm moving! Then I won't ever have to see Ms. Lapan again!"
- recess duty every day in the freezing cold and snow and ice
- hearing the accounting officer in central office say "I don't even have a hire form for you, are you sure you've been hired?"

This week was up and down for a number of reasons, and all in all just a little rough. I'm hoping next week will go much more smoothly. First of all we have a full week with no interruptions (provided we don't have another snow day) that's got to help with the flow of the week. And of course, he's getting a little more used to me and I'm getting more used to him and our schedule. It's a lot to get adjusted to!

While I like working in the school alright so far... don't anyone be looking for a change of plan from me any time soon. I have no intention of working in education again after this... no matter how many times a day I get asked when I'm getting my teaching certificate!

A Little Bit of Catch Up (but not ketchup... I HATE that stuff!)

2005-01-06T19:58:00.000-05:00

I realize that it has been forever since I last posted... I guess the holidays were busier for me than I thought they would be.

If I have progressed enough in the blog realm to actually have regular readers they are probably wondering the outcome of my last post. I said that I would fill you in and it's taken me a super long time to do that, but here goes... Oh, but first, thank you to all of you who gave me your opinions on the matter... it was good to hear some different perspectives.

Amid shouts and fighting back tears my mother and I left our home Christmas Eve and spent a few hours at church and visiting my grandmother. I cried almost the whole way there, but once I was there I really felt like I should have been there. I didn't regret my decision, even if it made things tense and loud.

This is how I looked at it: things at my house are almost always tense and loud. If I lived my life around trying not to set off my dad, I wouldn't really live my life. If you know me you know that I'm not one to sit back and keep my opinion to myself. Christmas might have been more peaceful if I had chosen to stay home, but then again it might not have been. There is always something to set him off. The other piece that I had to consider is that Christmas Eve isn't just about going to church in my family. Yes, it is going to church, yes it is a celebration of the birth of Christ... but more than that, it's about family.

Picture it, Sicily... ok, not Sicily, I just like saying that :) The church is small, it maybe seats 60 people, the clock ticks loudly, the furnace burns warmly, the candles flicker brightly. You think you couldn't squeeze another person in there if you tried, but there always ends up being room for a few more. The service is about the birth of a Savior, but it's about the life of a community too. The pastor preaches there just a few times a year, when there is a baby to be baptized, a few times in the summer, and this night. A chunk of time in the middle of the service is dedicated to catching up, praising the Lord for the blessings of the year past and lifting up to him the worries. In that tiny room, and later in the evening at my grandmother's I am surrounded by family and friends, some that I don't see any other time of the year. You never really know how the service is going to run, I guess it kind of goes in a "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of manner, but somehow that makes it even more special. If you have something to share, this is your chance. Myrna always has a poem to read that she's worked on all year. The Buttolph girls who have travelled from PA have a beautiful song to share, and then John will ask anyone else who wants to share to come on up. It's far from perfect, and usually punctuated by giggles and a few shakes of the head, but it's real.

Maybe I'm selfish for wanting to be a part of that, but I don't think so. I agreed with most of what was said in the comments. I know that I can't be a witness to my father if I'm not there and if I'm only serving to make him angry. I also recongize that celebrating Christmas by going to church doesn't amount to a hill of beans if you're only going because you feel like it's your duty. But from my perspective, I think I did the right thing. He's over it, he was over it in a few days, but I got to celebrate with a community, to be a part of a family, to participate in something that I really believe blesses the heart of the Lord.

My Christmas Dilemna

2004-12-25T00:15:00.000-05:00

Every year I face the same problem... and this year might have been the worst yet. I, like so many people, come from a divided household. My mom is a Christian and my dad is not. But more than just not being a Christian he is anti-christian and anything that has to do with "going to church". We fight often about this subject, but never is it more heartwrenching and hurtful than at Christmas.

Every year on Christmas eve I have a choice to make. Will I stay home and not go to church, keeping my father happy and keeping the family together, avoiding a huge fight and probably having good bonding time. Or, will I go to church like I want to and celebrate the real meaning of Christmas.

I'd really love to hear some others thoughts on this problem. Am I being a hypocrite and not standing up for my faith if I chose to stay home on Christmas Eve? Am I ruining my chances of being a witness by hurting my relationship with my father? Is the service worth all the threats, attacks, and tears? Am I a "bad" Christian if I'm not in church when we celebrate the birth of Christ? Which father am I supposed to be loyal to? My earthly father? My Heavenly Father? Or is it a question of loyalty and disloyalty?

Let me know what you think, and later I'll tell you what I chose and how it worked out.

A Much Needed Rest

2004-12-24T00:21:00.000-05:00

I need to either post more often, or I need to think less. I'm afraid that every time I sit down to write I'm going to write a book, because I have just so many things going on in my head. Or maybe the deal is that I just need to be more selective in what needs to be shared. :)

I did not work today... it was such a wonderful feeling. It was the first day off I had had in almost two weeks. The second day off in...almost a month. I like my jobs, really I do... well, most of the time anyway. But really, a break is so nice. I was able to do some things that I never get to do... go to the bank, eat lunch, I even watched two movies!

Probably the best thing about my day off though was that I had the chance to spend some time with my youngest brother. We've always been close and he got married this past summer so we don't see much of each other anymore. I still feel like he's a little kid so much of the time, but I know that I have to start looking at him as an adult. Do you suppose that I'll ever get to that point where I don't feel like I need to take care of him and protect him? He's my baby brother, it's my job isn't it? Or is it his wife's job now?

So much for a thought provoking post... again however, there are just so many thoughts, it's hard to know which one to run with. I'll run with a new one tomorrow, and it will be much more thought provoking, I'm sure of it!

Love, Invention, and Broadway Musicals...

2004-12-20T00:20:00.000-05:00

My previous post said that I had two things on my mind... obviously I couldn't think of a segway... well, that and I thought it might be in poor taste to post a dissertation-sized thought this early in the game :) So, each thought meandering through my brain gets its own space to work itself out in... I think it's only fair.

"Do I want you because you're wonderful, or are you wonderful because I want you?
Are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream or are you really as wonderful as you seem?"
(it's better when you hear it!)

Such are the thoughts of both Cinderella and Prince Charming as they dance in the garden at the ball. I have always loved this song, have always loved this musical (See all that you'd want to know about it here). Tonight as I was watching it however, those same words that regularly bring a wistfully romantic smile to my face instead started me to examining my life. I know, I know... waxing philosophical to a broadway show, and a fairy tale at that... but really, hear me out.

I wonder how often our feelings are like the fears expressed by Cinderella and the Prince. Their love turned out to be real, but I wonder how often we find ourselves on the other side of that scenario. Do we want them because they are wonderful, or are they wonderful because we want them? I don't really think this is a chicken and egg deal... one definitely came first and it makes a world of difference which one it is.

Let's imagine for a moment that we have a girl and a boy. The boy appears to be sweet, kind, loving, and charming... a real prince ;) The girl finds herself falling for this boy. Now the question is, is the boy really kind, loving, and charming? Or does he only appear that way because that is the way that the girl wants him to be?

Could it be that we set our sights on something and build it up to this wonderful status, simply because we have set our sights on it? That it really does not meet those qualifications at all? And then, once we have set our sights on it (or him, or her), and then built it up, that we commit ourselves to obtaining it and lose sight of the fact that it really isn't what we wanted in the first place. It is only after we have cycled through that we can look back and see that we were in love with our own invention, not the person (or thing) that we once thought.

I suppose that all of this makes me sound very cynical in the love department, and I suppose that at times I am, get burned enough times and you're going to be afraid of fire right? But really, I don't think that's where this is coming from... simply a revelation, thoughts beginning to spin in my head. If it's true, that we often fall in love with our own inventions, then it makes so many things so much clearer...

Straight Lines, Pretty Paper, and My Struggle To Find Balance...

2004-12-19T23:30:00.000-05:00

I have had two things on my mind today, completely unrelated. Now the problem arises, do I make them two separate posts or do I find a creative way to segway from one to the other?

This morning I helped my mom wrap Christmas presents for her Sunday school class. I love wrapping presents, mostly because I love making things beautiful. When we had finished I sat back in my chair to survey our handiwork. As I looked things kept jumping out at me. Was it the pretty paper? Was it the tidy wrapping job we did? No, a resounding no. Instead what I saw was the places where the pattern on the paper didn't quite match at the seam. I saw places where the tape was placed on crooked, I saw uneven seams, folded or torn paper. I saw imperfection. I could not look beyond the "mistakes" that I had made and see the big picture, see how excited the children would be to receive presents.

Unfortunately this is a pattern that seems to be establishing itself in my life and my personality. I have mentioned before that I have perfectionistic tendancies. Even as I write this I am struggling... seething really, because this is the second time I've written this post, the first was lost in some cyper-blip that served only to try my patience and give an excellent example of my problem. Am I concerned about the time that I invested in writing (and re-writing) this? No. The thing that drives me crazy is that I know I will not be able to reproduce the exact wording that I had before... flawed reproductions... a bane to the existence of perfectionists everywhere

What I want to know is how does one go from being a carefree, self confident child to a (gasp!) adult who sees her worth as dependent on straight lines, perfect seams, nice handwriting, matching colors, flawless powerpoint and so many other eternally insignificant things? Where in the process of life did I begin to think that these things mattered so much? I know that the bible charges us to "be perfect therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Mt. 5:48), but somehow I don't really think that that kind of perfection is what Matthew was trying to instill in us.

It is deceptively simple for me, as I sit here thinking and writing, to say that those things don't matter. But still that is only writing and thinking, when the rubber hits the road and I am called upon to do any of those little tasks the perfectionist in me will promptly rear its ugly head. However, there is a little fear there as well, fear of moving so far to the left that I would say that these things don't matter at all and I would let them all fall by the wayside. We are to be striving for excellence in all that we do, are we not? Especially where it concerns serving the Lord or His people. Here the question remains, where do we draw that tenuous line between unhealthy perfectionism that obsesses over the details and striving for excellence that will show our best before the Lord?

I fear that this is something that I will struggle with all of my life.. perfection, excellence, pride, humility, apathy... where is the balance, how do you achieve it, how do you know you are there, and how could you possibly stay there?

A Little Bit of Bacon...

2004-12-17T21:40:00.000-05:00

Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon is one of my favorite games, so I had to include it on here somewhere. I added the tagboard box today for just that purpose: a little bit of Bacon. I'm hoping we can get a little challenge going on. Someone suggest a name and then someone else can meet the challenge and find their Bacon connection. Then they make the next suggestion. For example the first name might be Owen Wilson... he's in Zoolander with Ben Stiller, who is in There's Something About Mary with Matt Dillon, who is in Wild Things with... Kevin Bacon. Troy and Justin, this is especially for you. Justin, even if it is just you and I we can play for hours. Troy, maybe this is the trivia AND staying in touch that we talked about. That's what Connections is all about... staying connected.

Not quite as easy as I thought...

2004-12-17T16:26:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to fix up my blog all pretty like, like some of the other blogs I've seen, but really it isn't as easy as I thought. I don't know if it is so much that I don't know what I'm doing, or if I'm just doing the wrong thing. Hopefully I'll get it figured out soon. I didn't want to send anyone my link before it was presentable you know... it's the perfectionist in me I guess. I wouldn't want to present a less than flawless image you know... :)

So, this is it...

2004-12-16T19:07:00.000-05:00

I'm biting the bullet, joining the crowd, and doing what everyone else is doing. I've started a blog. This blog is the result of a growing blog reading addiction started by Matthew. At first I read out of curiosity, then I read out of habit, now I read because I feel connected. The more I read the more I saw potential for staying in touch, something I aspire to, but I'm not very good at. I love so many people in so many places it is hard to keep up with them all... but I'm hoping that with a blog I can at least keep people updated a little... and make some connections.